If you read any of my tabs on this blog you know that I started this with a particular subject in mind. Sex and dating. And that is still what I want from this blog, sort of. But tonight I decided to digress a little, as I may do from time to time again, and be the real me.
I like things organized. I like lists. I made a lot of topic lists for this blog before I even got started. The problem is that I am NOT an organized person. I desperately want to be. So I had a certain organization in mind for this blog. But what has happened is that in a short time I have already gotten bored by myself. I am not me when I am trying to be all super librarian (Yes, I actually was a librarian for 3 years actually. An incredibly unorganized one.), I am someone else. Someone less entertaining. Because, really, I am a train wreck. And who doesn't love a good trainwreck.
I cam to this epiphany only a few moments ago. It was 6pm on a Friday night. My kids are with their dad this weekend. I have had the day off. I am already in my pajamas. Cooking bacon for dinner, burnt bacon (burnt on purpose because I have a pork intolerance and overcooking bacon makes it safe for me. It's like tree bark. Delicious, heavenly tree bark. Except that last piece which was more like burnt tree bark. Not as good.). I am having burnt bacon, and nothing else, because I am out of food. I planned to go to the store today. That didn't happen. Neither did a few other chores I meant to do.
What DID I do? Watched some hulu.com, did a few dishes, cleaned the litter box (which was then immediately exploded in by one cat who must have had something BAD to eat), picked up a kid from school because she said it hurt when she peed, but it was just a scratch, and caught up on my new favorite blog, Hyperbole and a Half.
If you have not read this blog you must. Right now. No!!! WAIT! As soon as you are done reading THIS blog. Reading this blog I realized a few things.
1. I am not nearly as clever/funny/adorable as I wish I was.
2. Even though I am a single mom in her 30s I live much like a 20 something with no kids. (Only I don't have the body of a 20 something with no kids sadly.)
3. I want Allie (the blogger) to be my little sister.
So while I read her blog I occasionally paused to stare at the 2 loads of clean laundry that has sat, unfolded, on my couch for two days. I got up to clean cat barf, which I would have ignored if it had not been in my immediately proximity (I know, gross.). I obsessed over a guy who is completely insane and worthless but who told me that I have too much drama going on. I worried that my house may be reported to the producers of Hoarders. I fantasized that I could change said worthless man to be the man for me. (I said it was a FANTASY! I know it ain't gonna happen!) And I wished I were indeed Allie, only I didn't live in Montana.
Oh...almost forgot. I also took a test online and discovered I may have adult ADHD. Cool.
So, as you can see, THIS mommy really NEEDS love. And it will be no small feat to find a man to love her.
Now I will go have some ice cream for the rest of my dinner. Women need a lot of calcium!
September 11, 2010
In the short time I have been selling "marital aides" at home parties I have been shocked to discover how much some women don't know about their own bodies, or their partners'. I have decided that before we can delve into topics pertaining to sex we need to be clear on all the parts that may be involved. We will start with the girl parts.
If you are someone who knows it all please bear with me here. And please read, you may not know everything. If you don't know something I talk about here don't feel bad. You are not alone. And I didn't know all of this naturally. I am curious, especially about sexual issues, and have picked things up here and there. I may be missing some things. If I am, and especially if I am misinformed please let me know.
Here we go. Let's start with the girl bits. I started reading romance novels when I was just in 8th grade. I took them from my grandmother's house. Some were quite graphic. But, they didn't use proper terms or tell us where things were actually located. There was a lot of talk about a woman's button, her pearl, her nub, her center of pleasure. I just assumed this was somewhere deep inside. I had no idea. Of course, I really DID know. I had discovered this particular part as a child. It felt funny when it got touched. I thought, incorrectly, that it was where you pee from. In fact I thought this until I was in college. I realized that a vagina was different. It is where the babies came out. And your period. But I thought where you pee was this little spot a bit further north. No. This is your clitoris. In my defense I should say that mine is quite small, even when I am aroused. Had it been something that swells to any extent I might have been more curious about what it actually was. I remember not wanting boys to touch it since I got UTIs easily and I thought that might give me one. (MAN!! I missed out on a lot!)
On this same note I should say that I have heard of other women who also don't know exactly where we pee from. Men pee and ejaculate from the same hole. I have met women who believed that we do too. If you think this, you are not alone. In fact though, there are two holes just by each other. And the opening of our urethra (where we pee from) is not easily detected unless you are really probing.
As well as these parts there is the labia. We have the inner labia (around the opening of our vagina) and the outer labia (the part that covers up and protects it all). Now I mentioned that my clitoris is small. Everyone is different. There are women in the world who have a clit that is like a small penis. We all should be so lucky. The same goes for labia. They come in all sized and colors. Let's start with the outer labia. If you have ever watched porn you may notice that none of the women seem to have ANY outer labia. I think they have it surgically removed. I mean, its a freak show! There are NO labias in porn. But really, some women are made like this. Some women are more fleshy. Then there is the inner labia. Some are just small little flaps. Some are much larger, and even have to be kind of pulled out of the way. Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes. What is interesting is that this is an area of fetish for some. This skin in particular is very elastic. It can be stretched to become quite large. There are special weights for this very purpose. There are people who enjoy this very much. This is one of many examples this blog will provide of something one person might find unpleasant and another person might find very erotic. The point here is that no one should feel insecure about the size, shape or position of your naughty parts. They are sexy. Period.
This pretty much covers what's on the outside. The only thing left would be the anus. I am fairly confident that we all know where this is. And yes, this IS a naughty part. I plan to do a whole post on that one day so we won't go into too much detail now. I will mention that the area between the vagina and anus, the perineum (also called the taint) is also very sensitive and should not be overlooked.
Before we move on to inside parts lets talk about hair. This is another issue of personal preference as well as genetic heritage. Some of you have a sprinkling of hair up front and not much else. Some of you will have a huge bush that extends down the thighs and up the bum crack. And again, in general, most of us fall between these extremes. Thanks to porn the current ideal is to be smooth. Girls like me, who suffer form serious ingrown hairs and razor burn might not be happy about this issue and settle for a compromise somewhere. It's all personal. If you have hair ALL over then its ok. And its not just between our legs and under our arms that we have hair. As a girl I thought I was a freak because of hair around my belly button and nipples. I still am a bit insecure about it. I even had a bunch of electrolysis on my belly button that didn't work. But it happens. And I am learning to accept it.
Now we come to the inside parts. Most people think of one thing. The G-spot. There is talk it doesn't exist. There is talk that its hard to find. First off, it's real. For more information about this mysterious spot click here. The g-spot is inside, about a fingers length in, and along the top (the side closest to your belly) of your vagina. The more its rubbed the more it swells and can be felt. In general we all have this in the same area. It may take some probing around to see if yours is more to the left or deeper, but its there. This is the spot where female ejaculation comes from. There will be more about this in the future.
Another spot that is not generally thought of as a naughty part is our cervix. This is where the vagina meets the uterus. Usually this spot is not felt during intercourse unless you are will a particularly well endowed man. Just before or during your period though, it will drop lower. Also, after having kids it can also drop lower permanently. If it drops so low you can feel it by slipping one finger in you should have it looked at. It may be prolapsed. This means it is trying to find its way out of your body and something should be done. Some of us have a very tender cervix. And before a period it will be more tender than other times. However, some might have a less tender, but more sensitive cervix. Meaning it can be stimulated. Massaging the cervix can feel very erotic for some women and is said to even cause orgasms in a few. If you want to find out if this is the case for you start out slowly and gently. You do not want want to learn that its too tender the hard way.
One other warning. I recently learned this from personal experience. The cervix can bleed easily. Often this is the release of menstrual blood. It can, however, also be injured and bleed excessively. I went through a phase where every time I had sex I bled. I mean, the bed looked like a crime scene. I never felt the bleeding or any pain. I talked to my doctor a few times, but we chalked it up to some other issues I had been dealing with. Finally he took a look. Apparently the vagina and uterus are made up of different cells. Where they meet its sort of like a seem. My seem had a tear. And it bled freely. They had to cauterize this. It hurt like a mother&#^#@ but only for a few seconds. And all better. No problems since. Never be afraid to really talk to your doctor and and make them find what's wrong. You will be grateful. This is an area you really want to be healthy.
I think I have just about covered it. At least the hooha. I realize there are many other naughty parts on the body, but this is where I wanted to clear things up. Did I teach you anything? Did I forget anything? Did I get anything wrong? I thought about adding a diagram but decided against it.
In a few days we will talk about the boy bits. Should I use a diagram for that or not? I am listening, readers. What do you want?