A lot of things change when you have kids, not the least of which is your sex life. Most childless people know this. Sort of. I don't think they really think about all of the ways it really changes. As parents we just can't anticipate what embarrassing moment will be coming next. Today I was reading a blog post from one of my Twitter friends and fellow blogging moms (You really should click HERE to read her blog! She's great.) and thought of one of those things you just take for granted before you have kids. Being naked in your own room.
You might think its common sense to not run around naked in your home after kids are born, but most pre-Mommies and Daddies still naively assume that their room will be their sanctuary. Au contraire, mon amies. (Seriously have no idea if that is spelled right and too lazy to google it.) You might say you will lock the doors. You might think your kids will just be well trained. But no matter what you do those kids are gonna get in someday. And most likely it will be at the exact moment you don't want them to.
One night I got up after a nice romp to go to the bathroom. I had on a tshirt and nothing else, but it was the middle of the night. You might, like me, think this is a safe time to streak straight across the hall. Oh no. My oldest, about 5 at the time, must have heard my door open. "Why don't you have on panties, Mommy?" I think I came up with some genius response like how I was changing and had to pee before I finished. Who knows.
Another great Twitter/Blog friend) My kids often caught Daddy naked as smaller tykes, but he finally got self conscious when they started "Ewwww"ing at his naughty parts. True story. Let's hope they always think that way.
And then there is the issue of how open you want to be with your body around your kids. I don't want my kids to think being naked is wrong or bad, but I also don't want them to walk around naked in front of strangers. This has happened. My youngest, almost 6, recently changed clothes in front of a neighbor boy who was over playing for the first time. He looked a little traumatized and his mother didn't think the story was nearly as funny as I did. So when they were little we were fine being naked in front of them when we were just out of the shower, etc. At a certain point, because I have two girls, Dad tucked it away and they didn't see his parts again. As another girl though I am ok with them seeing me naked sometimes.
My mother was NEVER naked in front of me. Maybe I am too comfortable? I want them to see that bodies are all sizes and its ok, in front of other women and especially those related to you, to be naked. I want them to feel comfortable in their skin. Of course the smallest child is doing her best to make Mommy uncomfortable in her own skin. Here is another true story from my house:
I was getting dresses and she strolls in and asks me about my hair "down there." I explained (as I know I have a few times) that she will have it too someday. She then lets out the biggest, Joan Rivers inspired, "Well!!!" and hands on hips exclaims, "It's a good think Daddy never sees you naked then!!!" The judgement in her tone floored me! After explaining that Daddy did indeed see me naked when we were married I shooed her out of my room to dress in peace. Now, I have been a little slack in my grooming since Mommy isn't getting any, but man! That kid made me feel like I have rain forest monkeys living in that jungle.
I wish this post was more about advice on nudity and children, but I have none. I don't know when the appropriate age is, if any, for a same sex child to stop seeing you naked. I have NO idea how to keep from being caught half naked in your sleep or after some good nookie. In fact, I am asking, nay begging, you, my readers, for advice. What is the protocol in your house?
August 19, 2010
All couples who are in a long term relationship go through dry spell, children or not, but we parents seem to have longer ones than the rest of the world. When we are first together we can't get enough of each other. Maybe it stays that way for some people right up until the kids come. Maybe not, I don't know. See, the problem is that a lot of people aren't honest about it. I know I wasn't always forthright about my sex life.
I grew up in a house where those things were VERY taboo. I never did get the "talk" when I was in my formative years. I learned it all on my own. My friends and I didn't share a whole lot either. I think I was a lot more sexually active than they were. My best friend was (and still is) a devout Mormon so I know she was a good girl. Even now, both of us mothers, we don't talk about it too much. (Though she is a little more open than when we were younger.) So basically I didn't have a group of girls to gossip about how things were going in bed with.
When I moved to Connecticut in 2000 I had a whole new set of friend. They belonged to my husband. They were more open about things. The problem was that they were already moms and I wasn't. They were also a bit older than me. And we lived about an hour apart. There were a few conversations about sex and a lot of innuendos and that's it. I never really talked about it. I am the queen of innuendo but not with them. I found out once that they thought my husband and I were at it all the time. We were not. At this time I worked days and he worked nights. We had sex once a week usually. Sometimes we didn't. I didn't want to wait up and he didn't want to be woken early. And without seeing each other all week I was never in the mood. There was no romance left. I usually did it just to make him happy. I didn't dare tell anyone. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't even have kids yet and I never wanted sex. Well, not never, I wanted it, but it wasn't worth the effort to me. Of course now I realize there were more issues. Mainly that I was unhappy in my marriage and living in a world of denial about it. (We were separated a little over a year ago and are now divorced.)
Then it came time to have a baby and we did it a lot. I wanted that baby! He was happy and its not like I didn't enjoy it. I always did. I have never not liked sex. I just didn't always like it as much as sleep or watching television. (I know, men, that's HORRIBLE and I am now appropriately ashamed.) But then the pregnancy came.
I have heard of women who at some point in their pregnancy get really horny. Not me. Not either pregnancy. I had great pregnancies. No morning sickness really. No high blood pressure. Other than the stretch marks and being pretty much pregnant from head to toe I was fine. But I did NOT want sex.
And then the kids. I plan to right a post dedicated to post partum issues and sex so I won't go into detail, but I will say that sex after my first child was very difficult. And when it got better I didn't really want it anymore. Of course I was tired with a kid. And then I wanted another. My ex was good about it for the most part. He knew how tired I was and only whined a little bit. I still tried to give in as much as I could muster and we had sex 2-3 times a month.
Before I end my personal part of this blog I want to say that things did indeed get better. I discovered a few hormonal issues on my part and more than that realized there were a lot of emotional issues. At one point I just left that behind and started trying to feel sexy (How? We will get to that. Keep following my blog.) and sex got better and much more frequent. Still mostly happening only on the weekends, but more than once and almost every weekend. Pretty good for a married couple, especially one who were destined to part ways.
The details of my story are unique to me, but I imagine resonate with a lot of you readers. If nothing else you get that when you are tired you would rather sleep, or veg out to Gray's Anatomy, than have sex most of the time. And most likely when you take the time to actually have sex you remember that you really like it. You think, "Why am I not doing this more often?" And then you get tired again and forget. Well, if you are a woman you do. This really rarely applies to men. Most men could go 3 days on no sleep and feel like the living dead but if you offer sex they are all for it. (If not then you have a special case and I will have to research that post. I am not used to that personally.)
For the most part its the mommies who are herding tiny screaming maniacs all day while the daddies are off at a nice peaceful place of business. (Ok, yes, sometimes its the reverse. And yes, I realize that work is not peaceful, but I have been a SAHM
Here's the biggest secret. The more you have sex the more you want it and vice versa. When you just give in because you are tired of the whining (And guys, really, stop whining! It's so unattractive. Do you really only want pity sex once a month? Stop it.) you aren't going to really enjoy it like you used to. But, if you give in more often then you will be giving in less and less and asking for it more and more.
That sounds simplistic. And it is. There are dozens of other issues surrounding our lack of sex drive. I know this, but sheesh, people, if I write about all of it now I will have nothing else to write. So for now, keep this in mind. Make an effort to have sex. Even if you aren't feeling it. And this is not just me talking. I am no one. I have actually read this somewhere. (Ok, I have NO idea where, but I don't read Cosmo so its NOT from there.) And what harm can it do? You make your husband/partner feel a little more sexy? Don't we all want that? And if you are thinking, "Well, he should make me feel sexy too!" just remember, this man is begging you for sex. You. Not someone else. .You. He thinks you are dead sexy. He drools over you. He imagines you naked all the time. I can guarantee that. (Sure, he might also imagine Scarlett Johanssen and Eva Mendez but you are on that list too. Not too shabby.) He may not know how to show it, but he worships you. The least you can do is get naked with him more often. That's all they really want. They are soooo easy!!!
August 12, 2010
So, tell me the truth. How often do you do it? And don’t ask, “Do what?” You know what I mean… IT. If it’s less than once a week and you’re in a relationship, are not more than 7 months pregnant and don’t have a child under the age of 1 then you need me. (And even if you are any of those things I might have advice for you too!)
Don’t get me wrong; I am not here to judge. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with you. I am just saying that you may have forgotten just how much you actually enjoy the act. Or maybe you never really did, in which case you need me even more. It takes more work for some than for others and there is no shame in that. And once you learn and you teach your partner the right buttons to push (physically and emotionally) then things will fall right into place. And when you start making time to enjoy your partner, or yourself, intimately on a more regular basis you might just find its worth not doing those dishes tonight, or losing a half hour of sleep or paying a babysitter for the night off.
Let me start by saying that my sex life has not always been perfect, not is it now. There was a time, years even, when sex was an obligatory act I allowed my husband to partake in to keep him from being a total a**hole. The details of this story will have to wait for another time, though. My point is that anyone can go through a dry spell, especially mothers. And sometimes motherhood is so distracting we don’t even realize that we are missing out on one of the best parts of being alive and in a loving relationship. And I feel that no one should miss out on the better parts of life.
To this end I have shared some of my personal stories with friends. I have researched a lot online. I have explored alternative sexual practices (that’s not as scary as it sounds). I have also started selling adult novelties part time with one of those party plan companies. One of the best direct selling companies (possibly THE best) I have heard of and I have sold for 4 other companies in the past. Not only have I had fun (and made money), but I also have realized how many women are not comfortable with their own sexuality. Many don’t even know what some of the basic parts of men and women are and what they are for. Don’t scoff. You may not really know either. And that’s ok. I hope to correct that though.
That is what this journey together is for. We are going to talk about some basic, but very important aspects of sex. And we are going to talk about the changes we go through after becoming mothers, both physically and emotionally. And we are going to talk about some taboo topics that may not be for you, but you might just find they are. So stick with me people. We ARE going to have fun. And we all might learn something, me included.
One last thing: as I write there may be times I have to use biological/medical terms to teach what I am going for. BUT, on the main I will be using silly slang terms. Why? Because it is WAY more fun to say “hoohoo” than “vagina.”
August 8, 2010
It's simple. I am a mom and I like sex. Sometimes that can be a bit of a quandary. And as a new mom I didn't really like it that much. That was a strain on my marriage that I think we never recovered from. We have since divorced.
I imagine yet another question: "How can you talk about this in such a public way?" Because not enough people do.
I am a very open person, but when I was struggling with the loss of my libido I didn't talk about it. People assumed everything was ok. I didn't even want to talk to my spouse about it. It was embarrassing to me. I felt like I was lacking in some way. But the details of this are for another time.
I should say up front as well that, yes, I am a Christian. I was raised in a very strict Protestant church and I still attend this type of church. I have started to reconcile my interest in sexuality and my own desires with my beliefs, but I am working on that. I might talk about that on here from time to time so bear with me. I won't turn this into a religious platform, but I feel like you really can't discuss sexuality without religion. I am very open to opinions and views from other religions.
I am writing anonymously because there will be some discussion of situations I have been in that I don't wish family to know about. And I know some members of my family will be shocked by this content. I hope that any of my readers who know me personally can respect my wish for anonymity.
As we proceed you will see that I am a big fan of sex. I think sex is good for you. And I also think that any sexual relationship between 2 consenting adults, or with yourself, is healthy. Nothing is off limits here (as long as it's legal) and I hope my readers will respect that we all have our personal desires and fantasies. We may not feel comfortable with a certain topic, but that does not mean its a bad thing. Let's be open minded and explore here.
Exploration is the key to keep your sex life alive and if you can laugh while you explore then all the better. I hope to make you laugh on our journey here together, but I admit, I am not going to be trying out for Last Comic Standing any time soon. Many of my past exploits have been known to make my friends squirt their drink out their nose, however. It's when I am not trying that I am the funniest, unfortunately.
So, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoy the ride. And please, share this blog with your friends, follow me on twitter, be my fan on facebook. Show me the love, people. This mommy needs love too!