August 19, 2010

Where did the Love go?

All couples who are in a long term relationship go through dry spell, children or not, but we parents seem to have longer ones than the rest of the world. When we are first together we can't get enough of each other. Maybe it stays that way for some people right up until the kids come. Maybe not, I don't know. See, the problem is that a lot of people aren't honest about it. I know I wasn't always forthright about my sex life. 

I grew up in a house where those things were VERY taboo. I never did get the "talk" when I was in my formative years. I learned it all on my own. My friends and I didn't share a whole lot either. I think I was a lot more sexually active than they were. My best friend was (and still is) a devout Mormon so I know she was a good girl. Even now, both of us mothers, we don't talk about it too much. (Though she is a little more open than when we were younger.) So basically I didn't have a group of girls to gossip about how things were going in bed with. 

When I moved to Connecticut in 2000 I had a whole new set of friend. They belonged to my husband. They were more open about things. The problem was that they were already moms and I wasn't. They were also a bit older than me. And we lived about an hour apart. There were a few conversations about sex and a lot of innuendos and that's it. I never really talked about it. I am the queen of innuendo but not with them. I found out once that they thought my husband and I were at it all the time. We were not. At this time I worked days and he worked nights. We had sex once a week usually. Sometimes we didn't. I didn't want to wait up and he didn't want to be woken early. And without seeing each other all week I was never in the mood. There was no romance left. I usually did it just to make him happy. I didn't dare tell anyone. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't even have kids yet and I never wanted sex. Well, not never, I wanted it, but it wasn't worth the effort to me. Of course now I realize there were more issues. Mainly that I was unhappy in my marriage and living in a world of denial about it. (We were separated a little over a year ago and are now divorced.)

Then it came time to have a baby and we did it a lot. I wanted that baby! He was happy and its not like I didn't enjoy it. I always did. I have never not liked sex. I just didn't always like it as much as sleep or watching television. (I know, men, that's HORRIBLE and I am now appropriately ashamed.) But then the pregnancy came. 

I have heard of women who at some point in their pregnancy get really horny. Not me. Not either pregnancy. I had great pregnancies. No morning sickness really. No high blood pressure. Other than the stretch marks and being pretty much pregnant from head to toe I was fine. But I did NOT want sex. 

And then the kids. I plan to right a post dedicated to post partum issues and sex so I won't go into detail, but I will say that sex after my first child was very difficult. And when it got better I didn't really want it anymore. Of course I was tired with a kid. And then I wanted another. My ex was good about it for the most part. He knew how tired I was and only whined a little bit. I still tried to give in as much as I could muster and we had sex 2-3 times a month. 

Before I end my personal part of this blog I want to say that things did indeed get better. I discovered a few hormonal issues on my part and more than that realized there were a lot of emotional issues. At one point I just left that behind and started trying to feel sexy (How? We will get to that. Keep following my blog.) and sex got better and much more frequent. Still mostly happening only on the weekends, but more than once and almost every weekend. Pretty good for a married couple, especially one who were destined to part ways. 

The details of my story are unique to me, but I imagine resonate with a lot of you readers. If nothing else you get that when you are tired you would rather sleep, or veg out to Gray's Anatomy, than have sex most of the time. And most likely when you take the time to actually have sex you remember that you really like it. You think, "Why am I not doing this more often?" And then you get tired again and forget. Well, if you are a woman you do. This really rarely applies to men. Most men could go 3 days on no sleep and feel like the living dead but if you offer sex they are all for it. (If not then you have a special case and I will have to research that post. I am not used to that personally.)

For the most part its the mommies who are herding tiny screaming maniacs all day while the daddies are off at a nice peaceful place of business. (Ok, yes, sometimes its the reverse. And yes, I realize that work is not peaceful, but I have been a SAHM

Here's the biggest secret. The more you have sex the more you want it and vice versa. When you just give in because you are tired of the whining (And guys, really, stop whining! It's so unattractive. Do you really only want pity sex once a month? Stop it.) you aren't going to really enjoy it like you used to. But, if you give in more often then you will be giving in less and less and asking for it more and more. 

That sounds simplistic. And it is. There are dozens of other issues surrounding our lack of sex drive. I know this, but sheesh, people, if I write about all of it now I will have nothing else to write. So for now, keep this in mind. Make an effort to have sex. Even if you aren't feeling it. And this is not just me talking. I am no one. I have actually read this somewhere. (Ok, I have NO idea where, but I don't read Cosmo so its NOT from there.) And what harm can it do? You make your husband/partner feel a little more sexy? Don't we all want that? And if you are thinking, "Well, he should make me feel sexy too!" just remember, this man is begging you for sex. You. Not someone else. .You. He thinks you are dead sexy. He drools over you. He imagines you naked all the time. I can guarantee that. (Sure, he might also imagine Scarlett Johanssen and Eva Mendez but you are on that list too. Not too shabby.) He may not know how to show it, but he worships you. The least you can do is get naked with him more often. That's all they really want. They are soooo easy!!!


  1. I'm aware of that scenario. It happens to men, too, maybe not necessarily due to fatigue per se. We're all can be subjected to sexual difficulties, there is a lot that can go wrong in that arena. Anyway thanks for sharing, it was a good read. Take care.


  2. you are SO right! They want you- naked- stretch marks and all. :-)